It’s 2011 and somewhere in the snow-capped depths of British Columbia Tom Cruise is strapped to the back of a sleigh, screaming. He disappears into a tunnel. It is dimly lit yet visibly crowded with over-sized figures.
A torch is switched on, Cruise points his gun at…a giant penguin with cataracts over its eyes. Lowering his gaze, his white teeth twinkling ominously in the gloom, he draws a breath and asks “Where the hell are we?”
So goes a scene from the greatest – or, at least, most deranged – film Tom Cruise never made. It was all supposed to have happened nine years ago when the world’s biggest matinee idol was still belatedly wriggling free of the cosmic horror that was the Oprah “Couchgate” scandal. With Cruise reportedly in search of a new franchise to patch up his reputation, he was touted as potentially